I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
new shirt idea
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.