Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

A man of commitment.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.