Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

2 years later

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*