I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You Might Also Like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
But is it really??
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.