I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You Might Also Like
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
craving $300 all of a sudden
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.