Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?