I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Boom, boom, ching!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Do not levitate over flowers
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”