Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop