I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]