I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
the clam before the storm
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
notice
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags