I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
the three branches of government
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.