i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Always the camel, never the toe.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.