Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

May have had one breakfast too many

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.