I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
yes… yes…
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever