I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
You Might Also Like
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.