I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
How many? 🤔
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Covert ops
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever