Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.