I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
never compromise your values
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue