I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
You Might Also Like
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*