I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Thinking about Jeff
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.