Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

#oldknees

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.