i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.