Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

incredible

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”