I ain’t wearing no wire
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Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher