Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

ㅤ

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.