Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”