@thenoahkinsey

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

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@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

@IvyelleWright

Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”

@Iwriteforcats

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

@FlyJ_

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@PastorBate

[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!

@ericsshadow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@Glittery_Love

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

@DamienFahey

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”