I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
marvel comics have peaked
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not