[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid