It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness
My one regret in marrying a much younger man is that I have to postpone my switch to a caftan-based wardrobe by at least ten years.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint