@Sarcasticsapien

I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.

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@Darlainky

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

@NotLane

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

@dshack8

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

@rsynder336x2

Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness

@hello_saylor

My one regret in marrying a much younger man is that I have to postpone my switch to a caftan-based wardrobe by at least ten years.

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@mommajessiec

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

@amelialikesyou

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint