Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

*aggressively waits in line*

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters