Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?