Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂