I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
just pretend nothing happened
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.