I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
You Might Also Like
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.