I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Brands during Pride
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes