Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?