Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.