Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.