Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.