Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1850307593207414784/pu/vid/avc1/720x1560/auXl1wSK2XeLK9La.mp4?tag=12

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐