@Sir_Strange

I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

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@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

@SortaBad

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

@buhsbaby_baby

When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper “suck it” under my breath.

@VodkaThursday

To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony

@allforandrea

It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.