HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper “suck it” under my breath.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.