Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.