I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

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HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president



[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty


Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere


When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper “suck it” under my breath.


To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony


It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.