Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

The Book. The Movie.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.