Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.