I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.