I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.