Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen