I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
You Might Also Like
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I love art.
