Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.