Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜