I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Well, that should do it
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.