I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.