I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
We decided to have money instead of children.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Our lord and savoury.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???