Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

he looks great for his age

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.