I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread