I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.