I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
i made a craigslist ad !
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Clients after you give them your rates
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears