Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.