I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I鈥檝e hired her as my personal assistant
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Fight club but it鈥檚 really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
I鈥檓 sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.