I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
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When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
japanese corn
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Ha
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.