Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner