I already tried new things thanks.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I love twitter
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Is….Is this an option?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.