I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Y’all ready for this
