I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
You Might Also Like
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
technically true but not a great slogan
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2