I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.