I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.