I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L