I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Oh. My. God.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.