I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
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We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
HELP 😭