I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasnât in its cage and he told me he didnât know but itâs somewhere around the house. đ I left immediately.
How wrong was this guy?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her Iâm calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: Youâre terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that youâre wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I donât want your $30.
Wife: âYou want to come upstairs?â
Me: âHell yes!â
Wife: âI was talking to the dog.â
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I used to think that âGun pointâ and âKnife pointâ were real places. Iâd see or hear media reports about things like; âman robbed at knife pointâ and think âooh, never want to go there, too much crime.â
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Maybe cats always look like theyâre planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for ÂŁ2
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think Iâll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
â alcohol
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i canât close my suitcase.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why arenât we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I totally understand how âplease leave your brother aloneâ can be interpreted as âthrow toys at him.â Itâs just common sense.
clark kentâs honeymoon starts on a down note
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I donât have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if youâre ambitious enough.
Ok, so weâve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
âGod, creating toddlers
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
