I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee