I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand