I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Bootstraps
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
🙂🐾
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Finished stitching this today 😇
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
